Weird day numero uno

Mommy and I went to Indigo…because we like to.
Indigo, Andheri.

indigo-2

Looks so innocent, no?
I THINK NOT.

The problem with places like Indigo in places like Lokhandwala is that all the starlets, wannabes and the like come there to get noticed/discuss their miserable lives and torment the fuck out of common people who just go there to have a nice Sloppy Joe.

So, mum and I are sitting at our table, behind some famous people whose names I don’t know..one chick with very funky hair and tuttoos (tattoos), who is evidently married to some actor,(as my mom whispered to me), another man who is looking very intensely at nothing in particular, and an EXTREMELY irritating child, who kept going “MummyMummyMummyMummyMummyMummyMummy”……
You get my drift.

Now, just as we are getting over the droning of said pissing off infant, in comes this woman with VERY curly hair, VERY weird clothes and a pseudo-philanthropic air about her. I’m sure you know these people. Don’t you?
If you don’t..let me introduce you to one of them.

As the waiter made his way to her table, she screeeeeeched, “HELLOOOOO!!!!”
I grimaced.

“I would laike AN house tee.”
“Yes, ma’am. Anything else?”
“Nooo..thaaank youuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!”

Aaargh.

As the waiter(who must have lost his hearing by now), trudged away, Miss X must have made a call, because a few minutes later …
“Hello!!!! I am ___________, Miss Afghanistan!! (or Kazakhstan..or something!!!)”
After this very, VERY subtle introduction, she proceeds to tell the obviously very scarred party about how she has the “runnies” after eating some “Bad food”…

Mum and I now choose to block this part of the conversation out….

Sitting diagonally to the left, is tall-dark-and-ugly-looking-man-with intense-eyes-and-furrowed-brow, along with I-can-see-his-lips-moving-but-I-don’t-understand-the WOORRRDS blond bimbo.
Now, I am a really good lip-reader, when I choose to be.
And I chose to be. .. *evil laugh*

But NOTHING prepared me for what TDAULMWIEAFB was telling ICSHLMBIDUTWbb….

Stop reading if..Naah, who am I kidding? This was FUCKING hilarious!
[The following conversation has not been edited, exaggerated or fabricated]:

“Baby, you love me, na?”
“Ya jaanu!” *cringe*
“You know, I’ve been thinking about something”
*Leans forward and holds Bimbo’s hands*
*Since lip-reader couldn’t see Bimbo’s face properly, she shall assume that bimbo looked back with glazed eyes*
“What, baby?”
“I love you. You know that. You love me. I also know that…”*Lip-reader resists the urge to break into song/applaud their infinite depths of knowledge*
“…So I think it’s time for us to show that…..”*Lip reader loses track as the food is brought, presumes that the man says “We love each other”*
Bimbo nods.
“I think we should try anal sex.”
Bimbo is startled. How could TDAULMWIEAFB DO this to her????
“No baby,listen to me…This is the ultimate! I mean, what better way to show love?” *Lip reader thinks there are many better ways..better than sticking something into your girlfriend’s ass.*
“But, it hurts naa????”
“I’m there, na. I’ll take care of you….”
*Lip reader is chastised by her mother for gaping at TDAULMWIEAFB and companion’s lips. Lip reader hurriedly makes up something about politics. Mother forces Lip-reader to eat*
Getting back to this after a while…..
“But you stop, okay?”
“Okay”




Pause.

Bimbo: “Now?”
TDAULMWIEAFB: “Let’s ask for the cheque.”

Exit horny couple.

As I chomp on my salad (Yes,we ended up ordering a salad and a Sloppy Joe)..I notice the Miss Afghanistan is now surprisingly quiet. Unable to contain my curiosity, I turn around, only to be greeted by the sight of her looking like she just died: head thrown back, eyes rolled up, mouth open. The only thing that gave her away was the fact that she was digging in her ear at the time.

Enter 2 Mimbos.
For the uninitiated, these are male bimbos. Characterised by their perfectly tousled/spiked hair, shades on no matter what time of day it is, loud, LOUD voices and of course the outlandish clothes: Figure-hugging, muscle exposing tees with REALLY weird slogans, jeans which make you want to shake the Mimbo just to see him explode….*breathes*.

The mimbos proceed to sit at Miss Kazakhstan’s table and be regaled by her tales of extremely enthusiastic bowels, all the while making the entire restaurant reverberate with their deafening voices, complete with awful British accents.
Another way you can identify Mimbos is by the fact that they ALWAYS roam around in pairs. Out of the 2, one is the Dominant Mimbo (Henceforth: DM), and the other is Sidekick Mimbo (SM:I’m getting some sick pleasure out of this anagram).

So, DM was telling Kazakhstan that he was going to go and record dome ‘rak music’ in a studio later. Before we could say, “Nyeeeh crap”, he launched into a version of Bon Jovi’s, “It’s My Life”.
All the while, SM gazed at him adoringly.
The waiter then came to take their order, obviously looking scared shitless. (I’m sure Kazakhstan didn’t have that problem..Hahahaha…sorry.)
So, this is how the conversation goes:
“Ready to order, sir?”
*Brit accent, DM*: “Oh, yes! Hmm..let’s see.. I’d like a salad..”
*scans through menu*
HE SUDDENLY SWITCHES TO THE GHATI-EST MOST DIRTY INDIAN ACCENT EVER!!(Ask me in person/on the phone fr audio replay…)
“Haan, see I want this salaad, but you give it to me vidhout tomaytoes and anion(onion pronounced crappily)..”
And now, back to Ye Olde English Accente: “Thank you!”

5 minutes later, SM proceeds to do the EXACT same thing on the phone:

“Hello! Why, yes! We will be coming into the studio today! Haan, kal aayenge, saade gyarah baje ko. Theek hai, na?




*click*
By this time, Mum and I looked like we’d just been to Hell and back.

Lessons learnt: NEVER sit behind Mimbos.
NEVER sit behind Miss Kazakhstan.
NEVER lip-read (At least, not for a little while)
DO NOT go to Indigo in the evenings. (maybe not at all, considering that I paid an arm and a leg later. I should probably be suing them for mental trauma instead).
And lastly, post this and try and make EVERYONE read it.

I hope you do not make the mistakes I made. Identify the weirdos and run for your lives, people. Or don’t, and then let everyone laugh at the convoluted fun you still managed to have.

This has been a public interest message.

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~ by cranialrumblings on March 9, 2009.

18 Responses to “Weird day numero uno”

  1. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA…….
    that made my day, month, week……

    HILARIOUS

  2. DooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooD!!!!!!!!!!

    NO FREAKING WAY…DOOD!…SERIOUSLY??????

    Miss Kazakhstan should be crowned Miss World – NOT. and someone PLEASE for sanity’s sake give her some Cremafin or Dygene or something..

    Mimbos should be shot with their own shit. and i swear, if it wasn’t for their ability to benchpress me with one hand thanks to spending 10 hours a day in the gym, i’d bitch-slap them till they fell senseless.

    I need to learn how to lip-read. FAST.

    we need to record such events on camera if possible when we’re together. i think we’d win Best Actress(for your expressions), Best Actor(for my expressions), Best Screenplay(which will be dedicated to Mother Nature and her brilliant sense of humour) and Best Movie at the Oscars hands down, along with all these awards at the Emmys and Golden Globes, along with Best Ensemble Cast.

  3. I LOVVvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv…hahahahahahhahahahhahahaha

  4. This is the shit!! (pun very much intended). Lip reading can be hazardous to mental health. You actually lip-read that??!!! Freaking insane! I was laughing my guts out, thank god no one was at home! Phew…..
    B R E A T H E

  5. Lollies !

    You killed it with this one Ani ! I was ROFL incarnate !

  6. hehehehehe.. i got everything in hi quality audio!! lol… well done!!! how do all these brilliant things happen to you only?

  7. Exactly! I agree with Aakriti…how do you manage to encounter these samples wherever you go? And you find them in groups!

    Almost fell off my chair laughing…you get two thumbs up!

  8. lol!!!! hilarious!!!! i’d love to see these weirdos just ot poke fun at them…..n btw u r a brilliant observer!!!

  9. Fukin Brilliant (pun intended…rite at Mr. Anal n Ms. Bimbo…hahah…freeekkss ) ..
    n now im jus dyyiinnn to meet u jus to hear bout d 2 MIMBOS in person…hahah….actually and verrrryyy unfortunately met EXACTLY the kind of Mimbos ur talkin bout..except that they both took turns playin ‘Dm’ n ‘Sm’…hahah

  10. that was seriously funny .. hahahahah

  11. Time to close this comment thread.

    We need more posts like this….Everyone start pushing her to do that…otherwise she will simply bask in its glory…

    You are a victim of your own success…..we want more now….

    • I bow to your will, Master..
      Just give me a little time to live up to the expectations which you never let me forget.
      🙂

  12. My heart swells with joy to know that there are so many civic-minded citizens out there!
    Thanks a lot, you guys!
    Pranav ( *honoured*), Jai (Hell yeah baby, watch us become the next big thing in 2010!), Bhoomika, Himanshu (Yes, I DID lip-read that!), Arjun (Glad to know! Hard to imagine! 😛 ), Aakriti (Why do you still have questions? 😉 ), Nikhil (Muah!), Jumana (Keep reading! And thank you SO much!), Sid!! (Thank you for the comment, and we shall swap stories SOON!) and lastly, Shardul
    (Thank you so much…Nice to see a new face..keep reading!)

    Stay tuned for weird day two…involving avian adventures. 🙂

  13. wow anishaaaa…. this was amazing…. its my 1st time checking your stuff out and i loved it… loved the way u write… thumbs up baby… 🙂 mwaah waiting to read more….

    • Thank you soo much, Vini!
      Great to see you here..
      Hope you enjoy the rest.. 🙂
      Keep reading!
      Muah!
      😀

  14. you deserve all this credit, you do…this is brilliant, Anisha!!!
    🙂
    hilarious!!!
    keep it up!!!
    🙂

  15. I’ve run outta things to say.
    I’m never gunna read your blog posts in succession. I’ve just commented on 2 of you’re blog posts right now and it makes me feel like an idiot to say the same thing again.
    BRILLIANT!
    Hahahaha I still can’t believe you though. Seriously aise hua kya? Fuck, you must have laughed a helluva lot.
    😀
    X

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