Weird day #2..

And just when you thought the fun was over, I had another weird day soon after the episode (Rather, saga) at Indigo.

This particular post is dedicated to Vivek Wali and his saintly temperament.

It is also dedicated to pigeons.
You know what I hate about pigeons? Their stupid eyes, in their little heads, which keep darting from side to side in absolutely fruitless endeavours.
I mean, seriously. What is the PURPOSE of a pigeon in the 21st Century?
Carrier pigeons are out, no one really has the time to sit and throw breadcrumbs on the streets, and shows of love don’t exactly involve letting loose hundreds of them into the bright (?) blue (?!?!?!) sky.

So please, if you have any valid points as to why I shouldn’t hate pigeons, feel free to refute me. Until then, this is my post and my blog, so whee! I get to rant.

I’ve always hated pigeons…no apparent reason, just an unexplained feeling of wanting to run around the room screaming and tearing my hair out whenever I heard a coo, or saw a little red eye/claw.
Imagine that:

Though completely unfounded, I never hesitated to air my views in public. On one occassion, I even ran over a pigeon while driving down Lokhandwala. Reports indicate that I had a mad glint in my eye.Animals beware, and all that.

Back to the point, however. Pigeons.

So I was talking to Wali on the phone one evening, and walking up and down the length of my room. I like to do this. Gives me a sense of purpose.

Anyhoo… I was peacefully walking up and down, when I noticed a silhouette on the grill. . . Curious, and feeling Holmes-esque, I walked closer to the window.
Horror of horrors!! ‘Twas a pigeon!
I believe that, at this point, I let out a very embarrassing squeak.

…and then proceeded to wave pansily at the pigeon, in a vain attempt to shoo it away…didn’t really work.

Then, a horrifying thought struck me: what if the pigeon was. . . *shudder* DEAD?

OMFG WAS A DEAD PIGEON PERCHED ON MY FUCKING WINDOW?!?!?!!?!?

By this time, Wali was already beginning to chuckle.

Little did we know what was to come… *ominous music*

As I began to hyperventilate, Wali gave me the brilliant idea of poking the bird with a stick. Brilliant, only I’d never do it without having a heart attack and collapsing on the floor. Death due to exposure to grey stupid avian species.
Sigh.

As an offshoot of the above idea, I decided to take out a red plastic hanger from the cupboard. My weapon of choice. (The colour and material don’t matter, I just think it helps create a picture in your mind, don’t you?)
Slowly moving towards the window, I brandished the hanger in front of my face quite heroically.
This is how I imagined myself:

But, of course, this is what I really looked like:

Unable to muster up the courage to actually poke the pigeon, I decided to do the next best thing: rattle (Or, in my words: ting-ting) the hanger against the grill, a reasonable distance away.

*ting-ting-ting!!!*

Me to wali: “OMG LISTEN THE BIRD IS NOT MOVING!!!! I THINK IT’S DEAD! OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG!!! WALI!!! THERE IS A DEAD FUCKING PIGEON ON MY FUCKING WINDOW!”

Wali: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

There was absolutely NO doubt now that I was faced with a classic case of pigeonitis deathis. (This particular phrase dedicated to Aakriti).

I began to feel the blood rush to my head…what could I do? There was no fucking way in HELL that I was gonna touch that bird.

Suddenly, I had a BRILIANT idea. Why not TALK to the pigeon, and CONVINCE it to fly away?
*applause*
How hadn’t I thought of this before? Aah, a stroke of genius, if I may have said so myself.

Therefore, without giving Wali so much as a heads-up, I sat a respectful distance away from the pigeon, and proceeded to have a rather one-sided conversation with it:

Hey! So look, you’re really freaking the fuck out of me, would you mind just…flying away? It would really make my life easier. Please?

Running out of options, I began to coo.

[Call/meet me for an audio replay, along with the fake British accents from Numero Uno, if you haven’t already!]

(One must also note that, during this entire charade, Wali did NOT stop laughing, thereby making me feel VERY conscious… but I forgive him, for all the madness he had to endure!! 😛 )

After unsuccessfully coo-ing for a few seconds, I decided that I had no option left but to scream.

And scream I did.

My mom came rushing into the room, expecting to see her child being mauled by some sort of creature. Maybe:

Of course, all she found was me. Rooted to the ground, staring at the window. Traumatised. Shattered. Scarred by a pigeon.

And she laughed.

And then she whacked me on the upside of my head.

And then proceeded to go look at the pigeon…

What seemed like hours passed, before she made her pronouncement:
“I think the pigeon is dead”

*Applause once again, ladies and gentlemen!!!!!*

😐

“MOM! THAT’S WHAT I’VE BEEN SAYING FOR THE LAST. . . . . .HALF AN HOUR!!!”

Enough was enough, mom decided. She had to take things into her own hands. She was facing not just any emergency, she was facing:

One where her mission was to root out pigeons, and eliminate them. Period.
Muahahahaha.

As she stepped forward, I decided to click a picture of the pigeon…
And just as I did, this is what happened. 😦

CAN YOU SEE IT?
THE PIGEON’S WINGS OPENED AND IT JUST TILTED, WITHOUT FLYING AWAY… IT JUST TILTED AND CHILLED!!!

😥
I have never screamt as loud as I did that night over something so stupid.

Here’s a closer look:

And it still didn’t move.
The dead pigeon was now semi-fallen over on my grill.
And I was expected to sleep in my room, with that awful thing suspended outside.

😐

Mom freaked, and we both ran to the kitchen to get a jhadoo (also known as broomstick, if there are any non-Hindi speakers who happen to chance upon this blog. God, I hope there are 😛 )

And now, here’s the creepy part…

When we came back, the pigeon was gone.

The bastard was fucking with us the whole time.

Seriously one of the weirdest days I’ve had in a while.

Thank you once again, Wali, for tolerating my madness through this trying time.

🙂

~ by cranialrumblings on March 19, 2009.