I want to be 16 again.

I want to be 16 again.

Not because I liked the people I hung out with then.

Not because I particularly miss who I was.

Not because that was the best year of my life.

I want to be 16 because of how it felt to throw myself into whatever came my way–surrendering myself to a situation, without thinking about expectations, implications or anything beyond that moment. The moment where it felt like the right thing to do.

I want to be 16 because I could run away from things–my friends, my problems, myself.

I want to be 16 because then, a shopping trip to Colaba made everything better. Old Monk was still new and exciting, as were Gokul and Janata.

A lot of amazing things have happened to me over the last two years, but I can’t seem to shake the feeling that somewhere, I’ve lost something that made things less complicated.

It’s ironic, because now’s the time for me to say, “I don’t like drama. I don’t like complicated situations.” Yet, the fact that you’re expected to not have expectations bogs me down.

I want to have experienced a little less hurt, so that I’m not scared if I see that a pattern might, just might be repeating itself. I want to be able to fall again and again and pick myself up, moving on–stronger.

I want all these things, but to be honest, if I did manage to attain all of that, I’d still be unhappy.

I guess that’s something else to think about.

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~ by cranialrumblings on October 20, 2011.